Wouldn’t you be intrigued to visit a place described as having “Mouths whose thirst for semen is insatiable and the wildest ass and pussy penetrations”? You might even say, “I don’t care how strong the Euro is; I must board a plane now to experience these mouths of which I’ve read.”

Such is the boxcover copy of “Barcelona Sex Secrets,” which also features a picture of what appears to be an ancient thermonuclear device disappearing between the legs of the deliriously tasty Regina Ice.

Come with us as we detail the lives and loves of seven international pornstresses who find themselves fitting their lips around both Spanish and semen.

Director: Johnny Vendetta
Starring: Lucy Belle, Priva, Jandi Lin, Silvia Rubi, Aletta Ocean, Regina Ice

Scene 1: B/G

This 7-scene epic set in Private’s home town is as lighthearted as it is hardcore. Why do I say this? Because the first sex scene is in a kitchen, and we know that that room is the most erogenous one in the house.

Tall Regina Ice could probably be as aloof as her name suggests, but after her boyfriend clears the table she shows him her gratitude at not being dismissed as a domestic servant with tits by fucking the shit out of him on the kitchen floor. Which she has, of course, kept clean.

Scene 2: B/G

Personal favorite Aletta Ocean dispels the myth that no one works in hedonistic Barcelona by choosing to fuck near a desk. This suggests that barcelonés at least tolerate the idea of working.

Scene 3: G/G

But of course people work in Barcelona. In fact, people even come from other countries to work there. Case in point: the next scene features Ocean in her side occupation as a bartender. She approaches Regina Ice, who says:

“Vere you vaiting for me?”

“Vhat,” Ocean asks, “do you zink?”

Then, despite the fact that Ocean appears to be the only bartender working in a crowded saloon, the two adjourn to a private billiard room to fuck on the pool table.

Scene 4: B/B/G

How does one woo a potential employee in Barcelona’s litigious workplace environment?

If one is the swarthy television producer intent on bringing Lucy Belle to his project, one takes her out to a fancy dinner and then gets one’s friend to help fuck her on the dining room table.

Scene 5: B/G

My favorite scene involves Silvia Rubi, the tattooed minx I’m happy to be seeing for the first time. Rubi shows up at a photo studio and wastes no time displaying the “Barcelona” tattoo written upside down across her belly, as if she is suggesting you 69 her in order to read it correctly.

All right, Silvia Rubi. If you insist.

Scene 6: B/G/G

In this centerpiece scene, Private superstar Priva and tattooed American vixen Jandi Lin service Regina Ice’s cheating boyfriend. Watched out of context, of course, you would never get the impression that he doesn’t deserve the attention of these Asian beauties.

But then, who are we to judge? Good for you, pal.

Scene 7: B/G

Finally, our aspiring actress, Lucy Belle, returns to her boyfriend’s motorcycle shop to celebrate her audition. Didd she get the part? Will she become famous? Will her dreams be realized?

We are not sure. What we are certain of is that she is fucked next to an orange motorcycle, after which her boyfriend excuses himself to take a shower.

What this tells me is that, in Barcelona, endings are ambiguous. That is why I choose to go right up the middle.

• Watch “Barcelona Sex Secrets” here